First. Last. Different.

Photos and Memories

I knew right from the beginning that a time with you will be indescribable by words so I made sure I captured everything—your smile, your laugh, you eating your favorite food and smiling at the camera like there’s no tomorrow, you kissing my cheek, your arm across my shoulders, us playing in the park, us with our barkada, you driving, us just being silly, me and my friends burying you in the sand, the first time we went on a date, the first time I met your family and you met mine, the time we decided to make it official—those moments, these photos will never let me forget. 
But there were times I didn’t want to use my camera for the pictures to be taken are too hurtful to be remembered. Nights when we’re screaming at each other, days that we didn’t want to see each other or maybe—the times when somebody else was taking your picture. Nevertheless, it’s not a relationship without arguments so I tried to understand it… I tried to convince myself that somehow I still need that camera, but for now, it’s right where I placed it days or weeks from now. When the last time I used it? When was the last time it meant the world to me? When was the last time I saw you smiling… when you’re with me? When was the last time I heard your contagious laugh? When was the last time I felt your touch? When was the last time I was emotionally close enough to click the shutter?
I tried to convince myself that maybe during those arguments, I got too annoying and that you were tired and that’s why you got hot-tempered. I tried to convince myself that after these arguments, we’d be stronger and better individuals. I tried to convince myself that we needed these arguments so it would make us learn about each other’s mistakes and make sure we never do the same mistakes. I convinced myself that these arguments will make this relationship last. Unfortunately, there were times when we fought about shallow, useless issues. Those issues got the best of us. They didn’t make us stronger and better. They didn’t make us last.
The nights that we felt will never end turned into nights when we slept in our respective houses having horrible nightmares and the days? The days when we had nothing but laughter and colors and sun turned into days I was left at home while you play ball with your friends, not even doing good at it. No calls, no texts, no personal chat messages. How I hated those times when we felt nothing but hatred and anger and sickness of each other—the times we didn’t have patience and understanding, the times we played kids when we’re supposed to act like open-minded and mature people. I’ll never forget that moment when you shouted tore some of our pictures while I knelt there, crying and picking up the pieces. 
I brushed the dust off my precious Polaroid camera, I pity for it is no longer useful. These pictures pinned to my corkboard, it seems like I could hear our laughter. Every picture brings me back to the day it was taken and I can’t help but smile and at the same time shed tears. Wondering if they’ll happen again, missing those moments, missing you, and missing us. When will it ever be the same? When will your promises come back to life? When will you-and-me be the same?
I can still remember taking this photo, what a breathtaking one. I remember myself putting the camera on timer while you were enthusiastically standing there. I clicked the shutter and ran to you because you were telling me to hurry. You cupped my face and I held your waist and then we kissed right before it flashed. 
That moment felt like forever, like it’s too good to be true. But it was true, I have proof, I used to feel it too. If only I could tell you what I’d do to take these back. If only I could show you how I’d work hard to capture moments of us again. If only I could show you these photos, for you to miss them and for you to feel the same for me. 
But you’re not here anymore.

You said we’ll make it. You said you’ll never change. You said you’ll stay… but how come in our photos, I remain while you slowly fade away?